boys piss me off so bad. they seriously just need to learn how to keep their hormones in check cause it is driving me nuts. I don't want any of them and they just don't get it and then they get pissed off at me when I tell em to fuck off. I got a congratulations wedding card. its like thanks for rubbing that in my face ass. bills parents sent me a toothbrush for christmas. I must have made an impression on them. but bill got one too so I don't feel so bad. I had other things to say but now I can't remember so oh well. whatever.

I really don't understand how certin people in my life can be so mean and uncaring. I just dont get it. What happened to being understanding? I guess people change. it sucks. anyway.... I don't really have much to say. Life is life and I miss spokane and I wish that guys would stop being assholes. I also wish kate's dipshit would stop being so stupid. I really think there is something wrong with him. I have never been so angry at anyone in my entire life. I hate being angry. I wasn't even this mad at Eric when he told me he didn't wanna marry me. ugh. ok I'm gonna go finish cleaning. thank god nobody reads this. I'm gonna go buy a real journal.

ok so its been a while. it turns out im a total idiot. i got dumped. teach me to have faith in a person. please shoot me if i ever get like that again. as soon as i start saying how wonderful someone is just end it for me before he does. whatever. i think if this bipolar thing doesn't get under control im gonna be in trouble.

I hate being bipolar. it fucking sucks. I can only imagine how the people around me feel.

I hate how my life revolves around one person. But at the same time because my life revolves around someone else- someone way more sturdy and secure than I am- I don't have to worry so much. I don't know if I'm trading for good or bad. I could be without my center but then I'm like that damn ping pong ball on my cell phone game. who knows where I'm gonna end up. It can either be really fun or total shit. So I give away the total shit part of my life but don't get to keep the crazy fun part either. I just don't know if I should risk leaving a safe zone on a coin toss. I have no idea how I'll land and the worst part is that it could be deadly if I land on tails and don't have the stability he gives me. I'm just not stable enough on my own. A year is just so long. Well I guess 11 months now. He is gone to his new post and who knows how long until I get to talk to him again. I feel so stupid for the way things have been going. I have put the people I love through so much and my parents have spent thousands of dollars to help me and all I wanna do is diet. It's like I can see the clif and I know what's gonna happen and I just don't stop. I don't wanna put anyone through this again. But I really feel like I have it under control. I'm prolly just in denial. Like I can really just skip meals and over-exercise until I loose a few pounds and then stop. but I feel like I can. and I feel like an idiot. Thank God Eric isn't here to see it. Hopefully I'll have this under control by the time he gets back. He has enough to deal with and I have put him through enough. That kid is dedicated. If something happens to him over there I swear to God somebody is gonna pay. I have an 8 page paper due in a week and I haven't even started the reading on it. shoot me now.

ugh. Why am I jealous of some girl that Eric doesn't even know and prolly doesn't even talk to? She is just so fuckin pretty. I've gotta get over this insecure thing. I have never been jealous of any girl with him before and it's stupid that I am now. Anyway. I'm waiting for Eric to call me for the last time. After this I won't get to talk to him for who knows how long. This is gonna suck. This is the part where I start the depressed stage of my bipolar swing. I don't know where to go to school. I was so sure I wanted to go back to MSU but I went there last weekend and now I'm not sure. Eric wants me to stay at Carroll and I'm not sure if it's because he thinks I'll get a better education or if he doesn't want me to go to MSU and party or if he is worried about how MSU will effect my eating disorder. I'm worried about all 3 but who knows what he is thinking about. I have been so grumpy for the past week. I just want everything to stop so I can sleep and not think about life. It would help if I could sleep but I can't. I just have an icky feeling. Either nerves or food poisening.

Can I declare a national Eric day? just for all the shit that he puts up with from me he should have his own day. He is in a hot sandy place getting shot at and he still puts up with my shit and never gets mad. crazy.

I'm sitting here waiting for eric to come online. We were supposed to have an internet date but I think he stood me up. :( I'm sure he has a good reason. So I don't remember if I have bitched about this yet- they are transfering him to a base with no phone and no internet. even worse for him they don't have barracks. or even tents. they have to sleep in their vehicles. I've seen em and they don't look very comfey. I feel so bad for him and it sucks there is nothing I can do. I just can't believe that the military treats them like that and then expects them to do what they do over there. I guess they do it or they die. ugh. this is gonna be a long year. I just keep thinking when I get into bed at night that I just have to keep doing it. I just have to get into bed and eventually he will be back. It seems to go a little faster when I get into bed at night and I realize another day has gone by. and this sounds stupid but my tv schedule helps. everyday I look forward to my silly programs and it gets me thru to the next day's programs. I wonder how it will change at MSU. I pray that I won't go back to life like it was last year (although it was fun) because I don't want to forget him. I'm sure it will be fine. I hope. I read in the book the military puts out that I'm not supposed to complain about petty things or talk about thinking that things aren't going to work out. its just so hard to stay positive sometimes but I'm working on it. this girl I know whos husband is over there says that if she had to do it all over again and met a military man she would run the other direction and never look back. they are on their third deployment. I don't think I can handel that. Our relationship can't. well see I guess. well I guess I'll go to bed. so much for this whole internet dating thing.

I just watched Shall We Dance and it was the best movie. I just wanted to call Eric so bad and tell him about it and ask him if we could learn how to dance. It's so funny because I can hear his reply. He would say "sure baby." I asked him one time if we could put plastic covers on all our couches and chairs and thats what he said. Everythink I ask for thats what he says. and the thing is that he would give me all of it. I have to write this stuff down. I have to remember it. If something happens to him all I have are this like this. I have an entire box full of the stupidest stuff. even garbage from when I cleaned out his car. I'm just so scared that I'll regret throwing it away if something happens. He called today. its a 14 hour time difference. He sounded so scared but he would never admit it. He said it was too hot during the day and too cold at night and all there was for miles was sand. but the food was ok. thats what counts I guess. He said he would start sending letters tomorrow but I can't write back because they will be moving around a lot. It sucks because I'll think of something I want to tell him and I can't. I feel like we are missing eachothers lives. I think a person changes everyday. we are gonna miss 365 changing days. I hope we still know eachother when this is all over with. My dad says he doesn't have any bad feelings about Eric being over there and when my dad has a bad feeling its almost always right. he says he has a bad feeling about me marrying Eric though so I dunno. I hate having to be identified by something and I have let my eating disorder be my identity for so long. It feels so good to be associated with something positive- a relationship. Like being his wife is something I can be proud of. No one else in the world gets to be his wife and that means a lot. I wish he was here so I could tell him all of this. I want to know how he has changed today.

So I think Eric and I have changed out minds about this big wedding thing. We wanna run off to someplace tropical and elope. I guess if people wanna come along they can and if they don't they don't. He ships out tomorrow. It's so unreal. I finished midterms today. they fucked me. Oh well. Spring Break! yay! Thats about it. I'm gonna go sit on my ass for about 5 days now.