deannarose22

I forgot

2005-12-28T06:09:36Z

boys piss me off so bad. they seriously just need to learn how to keep their hormones in check cause it is driving me nuts. I don't want any of them and they just don't get it and then they get pissed off at me when I tell em to fuck off. I got a congratulations wedding card. its like thanks for rubbing that in my face ass. bills parents sent me a toothbrush for christmas. I must have made an impression on them. but bill got one too so I don't feel so bad. I had other things to say but now I can't remember so oh well. whatever.

anger

2005-12-26T23:32:57Z

I really don't understand how certin people in my life can be so mean and uncaring. I just dont get it. What happened to being understanding? I guess people change. it sucks. anyway.... I don't really have much to say. Life is life and I miss spokane and I wish that guys would stop being assholes. I also wish kate's dipshit would stop being so stupid. I really think there is something wrong with him. I have never been so angry at anyone in my entire life. I hate being angry. I wasn't even this mad at Eric when he told me he didn't wanna marry me. ugh. ok I'm gonna go finish cleaning. thank god nobody reads this. I'm gonna go buy a real journal.

none

2005-12-16T03:00:30Z

ok so its been a while. it turns out im a total idiot. i got dumped. teach me to have faith in a person. please shoot me if i ever get like that again. as soon as i start saying how wonderful someone is just end it for me before he does. whatever. i think if this bipolar thing doesn't get under control im gonna be in trouble.

ahhh

2005-04-18T04:43:01Z

I hate being bipolar. it fucking sucks. I can only imagine how the people around me feel.

reflection

2005-04-09T02:57:02Z

I hate how my life revolves around one person. But at the same time because my life revolves around someone else- someone way more sturdy and secure than I am- I don't have to worry so much. I don't know if I'm trading for good or bad. I could be without my center but then I'm like that damn ping pong ball on my cell phone game. who knows where I'm gonna end up. It can either be really fun or total shit. So I give away the total shit part of my life but don't get to keep the crazy fun part either. I just don't know if I should risk leaving a safe zone on a coin toss. I have no idea how I'll land and the worst part is that it could be deadly if I land on tails and don't have the stability he gives me. I'm just not stable enough on my own. A year is just so long. Well I guess 11 months now. He is gone to his new post and who knows how long until I get to talk to him again. I feel so stupid for the way things have been going. I have put the people I love through so much and my parents have spent thousands of dollars to help me and all I wanna do is diet. It's like I can see the clif and I know what's gonna happen and I just don't stop. I don't wanna put anyone through this again. But I really feel like I have it under control. I'm prolly just in denial. Like I can really just skip meals and over-exercise until I loose a few pounds and then stop. but I feel like I can. and I feel like an idiot. Thank God Eric isn't here to see it. Hopefully I'll have this under control by the time he gets back. He has enough to deal with and I have put him through enough. That kid is dedicated. If something happens to him over there I swear to God somebody is gonna pay. I have an 8 page paper due in a week and I haven't even started the reading on it. shoot me now.

waiting to stop

2005-04-06T06:48:33Z

ugh. Why am I jealous of some girl that Eric doesn't even know and prolly doesn't even talk to? She is just so fuckin pretty. I've gotta get over this insecure thing. I have never been jealous of any girl with him before and it's stupid that I am now. Anyway. I'm waiting for Eric to call me for the last time. After this I won't get to talk to him for who knows how long. This is gonna suck. This is the part where I start the depressed stage of my bipolar swing. I don't know where to go to school. I was so sure I wanted to go back to MSU but I went there last weekend and now I'm not sure. Eric wants me to stay at Carroll and I'm not sure if it's because he thinks I'll get a better education or if he doesn't want me to go to MSU and party or if he is worried about how MSU will effect my eating disorder. I'm worried about all 3 but who knows what he is thinking about. I have been so grumpy for the past week. I just want everything to stop so I can sleep and not think about life. It would help if I could sleep but I can't. I just have an icky feeling. Either nerves or food poisening.

New day

2005-03-22T23:07:52Z

Can I declare a national Eric day? just for all the shit that he puts up with from me he should have his own day. He is in a hot sandy place getting shot at and he still puts up with my shit and never gets mad. crazy.

stood up

2005-03-16T05:54:27Z

I'm sitting here waiting for eric to come online. We were supposed to have an internet date but I think he stood me up. :( I'm sure he has a good reason. So I don't remember if I have bitched about this yet- they are transfering him to a base with no phone and no internet. even worse for him they don't have barracks. or even tents. they have to sleep in their vehicles. I've seen em and they don't look very comfey. I feel so bad for him and it sucks there is nothing I can do. I just can't believe that the military treats them like that and then expects them to do what they do over there. I guess they do it or they die. ugh. this is gonna be a long year. I just keep thinking when I get into bed at night that I just have to keep doing it. I just have to get into bed and eventually he will be back. It seems to go a little faster when I get into bed at night and I realize another day has gone by. and this sounds stupid but my tv schedule helps. everyday I look forward to my silly programs and it gets me thru to the next day's programs. I wonder how it will change at MSU. I pray that I won't go back to life like it was last year (although it was fun) because I don't want to forget him. I'm sure it will be fine. I hope. I read in the book the military puts out that I'm not supposed to complain about petty things or talk about thinking that things aren't going to work out. its just so hard to stay positive sometimes but I'm working on it. this girl I know whos husband is over there says that if she had to do it all over again and met a military man she would run the other direction and never look back. they are on their third deployment. I don't think I can handel that. Our relationship can't. well see I guess. well I guess I'll go to bed. so much for this whole internet dating thing.

deannarose22 @ 2005-03-08T00:25:00

2005-03-08T07:31:35Z

I just watched Shall We Dance and it was the best movie. I just wanted to call Eric so bad and tell him about it and ask him if we could learn how to dance. It's so funny because I can hear his reply. He would say "sure baby." I asked him one time if we could put plastic covers on all our couches and chairs and thats what he said. Everythink I ask for thats what he says. and the thing is that he would give me all of it. I have to write this stuff down. I have to remember it. If something happens to him all I have are this like this. I have an entire box full of the stupidest stuff. even garbage from when I cleaned out his car. I'm just so scared that I'll regret throwing it away if something happens. He called today. its a 14 hour time difference. He sounded so scared but he would never admit it. He said it was too hot during the day and too cold at night and all there was for miles was sand. but the food was ok. thats what counts I guess. He said he would start sending letters tomorrow but I can't write back because they will be moving around a lot. It sucks because I'll think of something I want to tell him and I can't. I feel like we are missing eachothers lives. I think a person changes everyday. we are gonna miss 365 changing days. I hope we still know eachother when this is all over with. My dad says he doesn't have any bad feelings about Eric being over there and when my dad has a bad feeling its almost always right. he says he has a bad feeling about me marrying Eric though so I dunno. I hate having to be identified by something and I have let my eating disorder be my identity for so long. It feels so good to be associated with something positive- a relationship. Like being his wife is something I can be proud of. No one else in the world gets to be his wife and that means a lot. I wish he was here so I could tell him all of this. I want to know how he has changed today.

ending

2005-03-05T02:17:53Z

So I think Eric and I have changed out minds about this big wedding thing. We wanna run off to someplace tropical and elope. I guess if people wanna come along they can and if they don't they don't. He ships out tomorrow. It's so unreal. I finished midterms today. they fucked me. Oh well. Spring Break! yay! Thats about it. I'm gonna go sit on my ass for about 5 days now.

deannarose22 @ 2005-03-03T20:43:00

2005-03-04T03:38:34Z

how the hell can I be all those things at once... being stereotyped in highschool was so confusing. :D

quiz

2005-03-04T03:37:00Z

You scored as Punk/Rebel.

</td>

Punk/Rebel

44%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

38%

Goth

38%

Loner

25%

Stoner

25%

Drama nerd

19%

Geek

13%

Ghetto gangsta

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

indecision

2005-02-28T04:33:14Z

So I'm freaking out yet again. I don't want to set a date for this wedding (its set for may 20th 2006) because I'm afraid the army will extend Erics tour and then I will have a useless nonrefundable ballroom and 150 invitations. not to mention the inconvience for all they people that have made plans. but if I wait till the last minute when I know he will be home I might not be able to get the place I want and not everybody will be able to make it. the other option is to have eric not take his 2 weeks leave and request it during the date of the wedding if he is there for longer. but then I for sure won't see him for a year. all around it sucks. ugh. I have midterms next week and I'm totally unprepared and I totally don't care. I'm unmotivated. oh well.

Buzz Kill

2005-02-26T00:21:24Z

So I'm officially engaged. and it feels like nobody is happy for me. fuck that. anyway... eric ships out next week. it is crazy to think that I'm not gonna talk to him for more than 5 minutes at a time for a year. I have only talked to him 2 times since I saw him last and they were really short convos. he sounds so stressed. I can't imagin how it must feel. I'm tired of guys and their egos. just in general. I'm getting used to living on my own again. but my dad will be back on Sat so it doesn't really matter. frozen dinner... yum.

Yay!

2005-02-13T21:55:58Z

My broher is coming home!!! I get to go get him on March 10th! yippie!!!!!!!!

dream world

2005-02-12T19:50:55Z

some of the dreams I have... I wake up and I don't know if they are real or not. I have memories of things that didn't happen so I think maybe I dreamed them. I'm studing intangible politics. I'm facinated by things like that that you can't touch. What makes it real if you can't touch it? like fear... what makes that real. people do. the mind does. but really it isn't there so why are we afraid? anyway I hate obscure things like that. Also I found this fantastic band... Acceptance. go to http://www.myspace.com/acceptance they might take over something coroprate's spot on my band ranking list. I was thinking... I know I'm not the same person now as I was when I met Eric and I know he has changed me. But talking to my old friends... I sometimes think that without Eric I could go back to that person. not that I want to. its just scary thats all. and thinking about being married is scary. mundane. I don't want to live the same day over and over again for the rest of my life. but I want security. is that fucked up? I guess I have a year to figure it out. do I still get to be young when I'm married? or do I suddenly have to be grown up and prepared for everything? One of my (unnamed) friends has his degree and is older and all that but he is into his music so that is what he does. why should we give up our dreams to be respectable just because we have careers? I wanna do something I love not something I have to do. but I don't love anything like he loves music. I wanna be defined as someone. but only someone that I'm not.

school sucks

2005-02-09T23:44:17Z

I just got back from class and I found out I got a 73% on my math test. that blows. I got the highest grade in the class on a math project but it wasn't worth as much as the test so now I have a high C. fantastic. anyway I'm pissed off and I don't get my test back from international relations till monday but I'm pretty sure I flunked it anyway so it really doesnt matter. argh.

car insurance

2005-02-08T20:18:42Z

I never thought car insurance would be so complicated. Turns out I need to own the car... so eric is gonna sell it to me for $1. yay! he is gonna be here on valentines day. meanwhile I have 3 papers and a book to read. Oh yeah and I have to move my dresser, my bed, move my other bed from my mom's to my dads and get a new desk. I'm a little stressed. And I had this crazy dream last night that this millitary guy was hired to kill me and I was trying to drive the explorer that my brother totalled. Anyway... I'm gonna go do some homework.

social security

2005-02-06T03:13:58Z

did I mention that GW Bush sucks? so this whole social security plan he has.... what he fails to mention is that the money you put into this fund you don't get to keep... yes that's right. it goes into the stock market and you don't get it back. you cannot sell the stocks and bonds. you get 2/3 of the profit they make. so you basically give them your money and in return you get maybe 1/10 of it back. Explain to my why anyone would do this? why not just open a savings acount and make money on your own money and... oh yeah.. you get to keep your fucking money!!!! I hate bush! what a dumbass... anyway. I don't really wanna talk about much else in my life cause I'm feeling really negative. but I have a shit load of homework to do so I better get to it.

stupid doctors

2005-01-27T01:07:33Z

so one of my friends from treatment just called freaking out because her therapist is moving. she was literally crying. I'm so glad I'm past therapist attachment. anyway... I talked to a doctor in Bozo and he thought I should wait for a few months and see if my symptoms from the tumor get any worse. I was so pissed. I can't believe the guy actually graduated from med school. like I want to feel like I'm in my first trimester for anylonger than necessary. I mean I have already been here for 8 months. another month and I would have a kid... ick. so I'm going to missoula on tuesday to see another doc that is hopefully better than the first. I've gotta get this thing out of my head.

no wonder my head hurts

2005-01-21T23:31:59Z

ok. I'm finally ready to talk about it. I got MRI results back today and I have a brain tumor. I never thought I would be relieved to hear that but after how I have been feeling it is so nice to know the reason. They said it could even be affecting my bipolar. So I'm going to get a second opinion but so far the doctor I saw said that I might be able to shrink it with meds. That means no more migrains. Finally! I think everyone else is more freaked out about it than I am, espically Eric. But I know it isn't cancer and I can deal with whatever needs to be done to get rid of it. I just don't wanna loose my hair. Kyle said he would shave his head if I had to shave mine but it's a little different for a guy. makes me feel better to know he would though. He is the only one of my friends that can joke about it with me. I would rather it be a joke that make it more serious than it needs to be... anyway... Eric got a week off so I'll get to see him for a couple days and so will his family before he leaves. I miss MSU for some reason.

unrelaxed

2005-01-19T23:43:12Z

Lots of shit. I must be the most unhealthy person alive. I don't wanna jinx it so I'm not gonna talk about it. anyway this is really cool http://www.mville.edu/mysoldier/ adopt your own soldier. I already adopted a 4 year old in a 21 year old body and I call him my boyfriend but its still a good program. Adopt your own immature guy with a gun! sorry... I'm really antsy. These muscle relaxers really arent helping much. plus they make me really sick. I woke up last night throwing up... icky... I thought I was choking and I couldn't figure out what was going on. so thats all. My MRI is tomorrow at 9. I hope I dont get scared. needles and small spaces. fun fun.

longest year

2005-01-10T00:39:41Z

I went to carroll today to check out where my classes were. I just don't wanna go. I don't wanna deal with it. I made a calander of how long till Eric comes back and it goes from my celing to my floor. kinda disheartening. on the upside dad gave me a digital camera for xmas so now I can post pics for eric I'm gonna get eric one of the same kind and just have him send me the disk because he wont have time to put them onto a computer. I guess his platoon is going to try to get a satellite phone and there is only 10 guys sharing it rather that the 100 that share the other one so it would mean I would get to talk to him more. anyhoo.... found my dad's scale. 117 lbs. I'm a cow. literally... I think they could cut me up and sell me. I couldn't believe how much I weighed. This sounds so demented. I'm gonna stop now. blah. I miss my brother :(

back home again

2005-01-07T00:54:33Z

I don't know what made me think I could live here. I was crazy. North Carolina was wonderful. I couldn't believe how much Eric had canged. Everything I needed from him I got. He even made up this little code for when we are in public and I have a mood swing or a problem. The problem now is that I'm finding it hard to function without that stability. He got his orders to ship out on or directly after Feburary 10 and he is going for 365 but they can extend that. I just hate being home now. My parents just don't want me here. I gotta go feed the dog.

iraq ruins relationships

2004-12-09T07:00:09Z

Eric and I just got into a huge huge huge fight. I really don't know how the hell I'm going to sit here for a year not knowing what is going on over there and just wait for him to come back. I'm 19 and we have been together for 7 months! not to mention I'm in half a relationship. a whole year. waiting for a person I'm not sure I wanna be with. how the fuck is that supposed to work. Eric is my number one priority. I'm not his. and what does he have to say for himself? sorry. he's stressed. I realize he is going off to a big sandbox and he might die but he isn't the only one stressed out about it. I just have absolutly no faith in this right now. but if I don't have him and us what do I have? a fucking eating disorder. thanks. just what I always wanted. may I regift this one? can't a drunk driver just run into me?